The tree of time
by ElasticPoodle
Summary: The Trolls get a couple of unexpected visitors. Hilarity ensues. This is extreamly stupid.
1. Chapter 1

**Warning: This is extreamly stupid.**

Reason for the general stupidity of what you are about to read? Well, it started life as a Role Play between two rather bored individuals.

A self insert Role Play.

Run now whilst you still can.

For those select few who are still here let me explain further: Jason and myself, in a fit of bordom, decided to insert ourselves into the Homestuck universe via a role play in order to generally take the piss out of normal self insertion Tropes and/or annoy as many Canon characters as possible.

This Role Play, as it stands whilst I write this, is now 122 pages long and is so hilarious that we simply HAD to share.

This is the first ten pages, I tried finding an area for a natural break but due to the winding nature of the damned thing I can't seem to find any. So I decided that, whatever, I'll just upload it ten pages at a time.

Rated T for language, sexual themes (Though nothing explicit) and general sillyness.

* * *

><p>Enter name<p>

Name: CRAZY MCFUCKLORD

Very funny, try again.

Name: CHANTAL POTTER

Your name is CHANTAL POTTER and you are IN NO WAY RELATED TO WIZARDS OF A FICTIONAL REPRESENTATION. You've lost count of how many times you've been asked that and it isn't even funny anymore.

You have a number of HOBBIES, including collecting merchandise pertaining to ROBOTS WHICH CHANGE SHAPE. You always throw out the box, even though it may be of value later, because TOYS ARE MENT TO BE PLAYED WITH.

You are also interested in WEBCOMICS WHICH ARE FREQUENTLY UPDATED to the point of CRAZY OBSESSION even though you only stared reading them a few months ago.

You enjoy taking part in ROLE PLAYS OF THE SELF INSERTION VARIETY but are smart enough to know that THIS WILL NEVER REALLY HAPPEN. You do this with your GROUP OF CLOSE FRIENDS, who you communicate with OVER THE INTERNET because they LIVE IN A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT TIMEZONE. These often keep you up ALL NIGHT resulting in your SLEEPING IN ALL DAY. Your family is concerned for your general health, but you DO NOT SEE THE PROBLEM.

You are extremely interested in the concept of TROLL ROMANCE and have been wanting to partake in it, even though YOU ARE NOT A TROLL and THIS IS STUPID.

What will you do?

Chantal: Call Jason.

Enter Name

Name: LAZY IDIOT

Haha, that was pretty true, but no.

Name: JASON FOX

Your name is JASON FOX and you are nowhere near as clever or awesome as your name implies you might be. However, RED CANINE CREATURES WITH SOFT BUSHY TAILS are one of your favorite animals, which has nothing to do with your name.

Many people think you sound like a FEMALE, but you very much REFUSE TO TALK ABOUT IT, and this is very much okay with you.

You have a very limited number of HOBBIES, which include PUTTING PENCILS TO PAPER TO CREATE ART, LISTENING TO WELL CALCULATED SOUNDS FOR PLEASURE, and WALKING THE TWO STEPS TO YOUR COMPUTER AND SITTING ON IT ALL DAY.

Like Chantal, you also enjoy WEBCOMICS (you read about thirty of them) and ROLEPLAYING, mostly of the DRAMA and EROTIC genres. You do this with RANDOM PEOPLE YOU MEET ON THE INTERNET and A FEW OF YOUR FRIENDS, because the rest of your friends think you're WEIRD.

You STAY UP ALL NIGHT, SLEEP ALL DAY, and EAT TOO MUCH. You are also very LAZY and have an unsightly obsession with SHORT, NUBBY HORNED TROLLS and their related QUADRANTS.

What will you do?

Jason: Answer Chantal.

"Morning Jason... That is to say evening... Okay, it's the middle of the night."

"Good... evening... since it's late like always and I'm probably not going to end up sleeping."

"Or... doing much of anything, really."

Jason: Grin.

Chantal: Roll your eyes.

"You're the one who's eight hours behind me."

You casually flick your mic for emphasis before yawning and sitting forward slightly.

"So shall we get to that Role Play? I suppose we kind of need to think of HOW our inevitably cliché self inserts will end up in The Medium in the first place."

"Eh. That's simple. We do the most unbelievably cliché and retarded thing ever. We either are trolls who get to hang with the troll bros or we play a game of Sburb."

You grin like an ass and snigger.

"Unless you can think of an actually good way to get our unbelievably cliché self-inserts into The Medium where we'll inevitably end up annoying and or falling in love with any of the canon characters for the lulz."

"Oh clearly there's some sort of space-time bullshit that happens because of a paradox and randomly pulls us through our computers into The Medium right now with no warning."

You laugh at the idea. That would be so stupid. There is no way in hell that could happen. Ever. At all.

Initiate space-time bullshit.

...

This is stupid.

Jason: Be confused.

You look around and are incredibly confused by what just happened. There's a pause before you reach up, your palm connecting with your face with a nice accompanying thwack sound.

"This is so stupid... But, hey, it works."

Chantal Take stock of the situation.

"Oh Jeeze... So where do you think we are? Human session or Troll session?"

You look around at the grey dreary walls and eye up the Transportaliser in the four small corridors, as well as the one right in the middle of the room.

"Troll session."

Jason: Shrug.

"Well, I don't mind. I find the Troll session to be a lot more fun and interesting, in my opinion."

There's an awkward pause and you look around, biting your lip.

"Well, unless we're far into it. Then I would much rather not be here."

Chantal: Light bulb.

"Well, if I'm right THAT Transportaliser should lead into the hub room where everyone SHOULD be if we are in the IDEAL timeframe in which to be here."

A genius idea forms in your mind.

"Who says we jump through and scare the crap out of everyone?"

Jason: This Is Stupid.

"I think that that is the stupidest idea I've ever heard. They're a bunch of violent, insane aliens who have never properly seen a human in their lives up until... however long ago considering our potential place in the time line. This is incredibly dangerous and we could be killed."

You proceed to be very sternface and survey your surroundings before looking down at yourself thoughtfully.

"I'm down with it if we're not old farts anymore."

Chantal: Do that thing you suggested.

You walk over to the Transportaliser and step on, instantly vanishing and reappearing in the middle of the hub room. Sure enough, everyone is there. Keeping your head down as best you can, you sneak up behind Karkat and look over his shoulder at his computer screen.

"Hey Karkat, what are you doing?"

Jason: Connect your palm and face and follow Chantal.

"I should be intimidated, but I'm not. Hooray for emotional apathy!"

This is amusing to you because you say this with no enthusiasm whatsoever. Curiously, you follow behind your friend and shoot Karkat an awkward smile.

"Uh, sorry, man. Didn't mean to freak you out."

Jason: Be Karkat.

You WERE talking to your Moirail, who is an idiot, when out of the blue, there are suddenly unfamiliar voices behind you and they are the weirdest creatures you have ever seen. They have peachy skin and no horns and their eyes look funny.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU, AND HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME?"

You find this very peculiar.

Chantal: Put your foot in it

"But I was hoping to freak him out!"

You get all up in Karkat's face, running you're a hand over one of his horns and otherwise poking and prodding at him.

You've never met someone you previously thought to be fictional before.

"Ooooooooohmygosh this is so cool I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!"

Chantal: Be Gamzee

"WoOoOoOoAh..."

You watch as the strange alien girl basically molests your best friend, a goofy grin on your face before you step forward and easily pick her up off him. She wiggles a bit then twists around and wraps her arms around you, a huge grin on her face.

You lift your arms up into the air and she doesn't let go. Or even look like she's thinking of letting go.

You decide that you like this girl.

Karkat: Be molested.

You splutter and flail awkwardly, blushing furiously. You have no idea why you are being randomly molested, and you are so startled you can't think of anything to say in order to make her stop. You are also incredibly grateful that Gamzee has come over to save you. Only you don't think you're being saved suddenly.

"What... the fuck..."

You turn toward the supposed male accompanying the supposed female, giving him this look, and he offers up another awkward smile, before he turns to Gamzee, eyes widening. Fuck, they almost look starstruck by the idiot.

Jason: Bounce Excitedly.

You are now staring at Gamzee because he is suddenly the most awesome and handsome thing you have ever seen and you are so gay in real life that it kind of rubs off everywhere else anyway. Shyly you kind of reach a hand up, before drawing it back, blushing and rubbing the back of your neck sheepishly.

"Um, h-hey. Uh..."

You are not impressed you sound like Tavros.

"I'm amazed because wow you're really handsome and oh my gosh, you're so cool, and I really, really want to hug you. I'm sorry, is that weird? If it is, I'll stop, I swear!"

Gamzee: react to this.

You have no way to react to this. This is out there even for you. You do not know these people and have never even seen anyone /like/ them in your life.

You're sure it's a miracle somehow, you just haven't figured out how.

With a slightly awkward grin you ruffle the girls hair. "UuUuUh... ThAnK yOu?"

Gamzee: Be Chantal

You have no intentions of letting go of Gamzee any time soon... until you spot Eridan over in the corner. You are suddenly filled with righteous fury and release Gamzee like he's suddenly made of hot coals, marching over to Eridan and slapping him. Hard.

Karkat: Approach Gamzee.

You approach Gamzee and give him a really awkward look. You are extremely confused as to what exactly is going on. You cast a glance over toward the male and act very suspicious of his presence, poking him before drawing back, curious as to whether or not he was actually real or not.

"What the fuck are you?"

Jason: Be prodded.

You are quite curious about the fact that Karkat is touching you. You are very much aware that he is not the touchy feely kind of troll, so it's almost honoring in a sense. You suddenly feel very bad for being impolite, so you offer a shy smile.

"Um, right. I'm Jason, and that's Chantal, and we're humans. I would explain how we got here, but that would involve a long-winded explanation about the origin of our species and strange time and space related shenanigans. But, basically, where we're from you are all celebrities of sorts in a web comic that millions of people read, and we are suddenly greeted with your presences which is the coolest thing ever, even though this honestly makes about as much sense as a salmon swimming in space."

Chantal: Slap fight with Eridan.

The fish boy blinks at you for a few seconds before slapping you back. You respond by slapping him again, and he slaps you in turn. You waste at least five minutes on this silliness.

Gamzee: Become extremely excited.

You are increasingly excited. You begin to bounce from foot to foot before prodding the "Human" slightly and turning to Karkat, a large grin spreading across your face.

"YoU kNoW wHaT tHiS iS, bRoThEr?"

Jason: Try desperately to ignore Chantal's silliness.

You tilt your head and try to ignore both that and the fact that handsome aliens are prodding you repeatedly in order to figure out your biology and whatnot. You take turns prodding the two of them back which earns you a raised brow from Karkat.

Karkat: Frown at Gamzee.

You take the time to alternate between frowning at your so-called best friend and the human who keeps poking you curiously with a bright, yet shy, smile. He seems quite fond of you. Ignoring him for several moments, you take the time to converse with Gamzee.

"I can't read your fucking mind, idiot. But apparently this is a human. Whoop de fucking do. It's here, this is weird, and as the leader I don't know what the fuck to do. We can't just get rid of them. Well, we could..."

Jason: Wince.

"Um... Please don't."

Gamzee: Say what you're thinking.

You do just that.

"It'S a MoThErFuCkInG mIrAcLe!"

Chantal: Just scream at him already.

You do so. Incoherently. Before turning to walk away. He stares after you before leaning over to whisper to Feferi. "I think she hates me..."

You hear this and freeze, your nostrils flare and you about turn, march back over him and slam your knee where you suspect it will hurt the most.

"Listen here, Pako. I hate you with the red hot intensity of a thousand suns, but you're out of luck, because humans don't HAVE black romance."

You walk away once again, leaving the poor boy in a pained little pile on the floor.

Karkat: There are no words.

You are KARKAT VANTAS, and there are no words to describe the vaguely irritated feeling you are currently being doused with at the moment. You should have seen that answer coming, you really should have, but that does not make you feel any better. On the contrary, you actually feel a lot worse. You really want to strangle Gamzee. Now that that's a new thing or anything...

"...Why do I talk to you? Seriously. Why the fuck do I talk to you? You know what you should do, Gamzee?" You lean right up close to his stupidly smiling face and proceed to scream at him. "YOU SHOULD SHOVE YOUR STUPID FUCKING CLUBS DOWN YOUR THROAT AND CHOKE ON THEM!"

Jason: Scratch your chin thoughtfully.

You look over at Chantal and grin. You are more than aware that humans do, in fact, have the capacity for black romance, but you're not going to mention this because that would just completely ruin the moment. So, instead, you merely gently pull Karkat away by his shoulder and offer Gamzee a mildly apologetic smile.

"Uh, Karkat..?" You ignore the snarky reply. "You... um... I know you're an ass, but... uh... You don't have to scream. I mean..." You blush and rub the back of your neck awkwardly.

"It is kind of a miracle."

Chantal: Jump on Gamzee's back.

You run up to Gamzee from behind and launch yourself onto his back, wrapping your arms around his neck and resting your chin on the top of his head, between his horns. He staggers slightly before instinctively hooking his arms under your legs to hold you up.

Piggyback X1 Combo.

"Of course it's a miracle! We were just sat at our computers wondering how awesome it would be to be in the world of our favorite webcomic, and then suddenly here we are! That sort of shit is NOT supposed to happen. Ever."

Gamzee: Grin at your new friends.

These kids are alright. You like them!

All other trolls: Stare at the humans.

Karkat: Dislike being ignored.

You are very much annoyed by how little attention you are being granted. You are the all important leader, and as soon as these stupid humans come into play, there's suddenly a huge surge of interest and you are this stupid, short, nubby thing that is getting no attention at all, no matter how amazingly important you are. You are about to open your mouth and complain when you suddenly have a smiling Jason in your face and you are being hugged, which causes you to blush and flail.

"WHAT THE FUCK!"

Jason: Pay attention to Karkat.

You pull back and hold him at arm's length, smiling brightly. "Sorry, Captain! Didn't mean to get carried away, there. I'm sure you have all sorts of intelligent leader-like things to say, don't you?"

Karkat: Be speechless.

Once you are done, look to the ground and mumble irritably because you have nothing to say to that. Well, you do, but all of your anger is now completely misdirected and you are quite confused by the kindness you are suddenly being shown. It is incredibly strange to you.

"Of course I do. I'm not a fucking idiot, unlike you."

Chantal: Have a shocking revelation.

"Oh shit, I just had a thought. We should probably try to AVOID screwing up the timeline unless we want to be doomed."

This revelation is extremely shocking. Even though it's not.

"Kanaya, shouldn't you be sawing off Tavros's legs right now?"

Jason: Awkwardly Interrupt.

"Uh, Chantal...?" You shove your hands in your pockets, avoiding touching your fabulous leader any longer, before leaning over and whispering: "Judging by our timing, Karkat hasn't fallen asleep, yet. So they haven't met the kids, which means Tavros' legs aren't going to get cut off yet, which means that... um... I don't know, but obviously we're just a touch early, yeh..?"

Tavros: Be horrified.

"Uh, what do you mean my legs are going to get cut off!" You look over at Kanaya, fidgeting. "P-please don't cut off my legs... I, um, like them even if they are, uh... useless..."

Chantal: Blabber about future shit and shred the timeline.

"No, but, It was Kanaya sawing off Tavros's legs that caused Karkat to pass out in the first place. Then Jack destroyed Prospit and killed everyone there, Terezi got the Boondolars from Dave... I'm sure I pronounced that wrong... Then jack destroys Dares, Karkat bans everyone from sleeping and things start falling to shit. And it all starts with flying brown blood."

Smooth.

Jason: Twitch.

"...I think the whole point of me telling you that was to avoid fucking up the timeline."

You proceed to connect your palm with your face and sigh at length until you pull back, snapping your fingers and grinning. You have an idea. "Hey! Even though we're now completely doomed, it means that things aren't going to shit anymore! At best we'll all get killed by Jack and we don't have to worry about Gamzee going on a killer rampage or anything to that effect. Which is good, because Horrorstuck made me sad..."

Proceed to realize you have also fucked up on some level.

Karkat: Do not even.

"...What."

Gamzee: Twitch.

"WoA, wOa, WhAt? I wOuLd NeVeR..."

Chantal: Quite now whilst you're ahead.

"You know what? I think I'm just going to go cuddle up to Tavros before I say anything else stupid. Like how Vriska kill him then goes on a Guilt Trip, or how Eridan kills Feferi and Kanaya as well as asploading the matri... orb... I'll shut up now."

You hop off of Gamzee's lap and go cuddle up to Tavros, weather he likes it or not.

Kanaya: He did WHAT!

You are now Kanaya. You hiss and put a protective arm around the safelocked Matriorb still contained within your Chastity Modus, narrowing your eyes in Eridan's direction but still a little unsure of whether or not you should believe the strange alien girl.

Jason: Double Facepalm.

"We are such fucking dumbasses. I don't even."

Tavros: Twitch and bury yourself in the pretty human girl, looking warily at both Kanaya and Vriska.

"...Um..."

Karkat: Take Charge.

You growl. "Okay, so, you're telling me that my whole team basically fucks itself up and there's nothing that we can do to stop this shit from happening. And since we now know what's happening, we've basically ended up on a timeline doomed to all fucking hell and that's all there is to it." You are not impressed, and the flinch and nod you receive in response don't make your mood any better. "And now we're all looking at each other like we don't know who's going to start all of this hoofbeast shit. Great. Congratufuckinglations."

Jason: Flinch again.

"Um... with all due respect, Karkat..." You hope you aren't going to fuck up any more. "It beats there only being, what, six trolls left alive at best? Even if this is a doomed timeline, at least we might be able to figure out how to stop your species from dying out. Or something. I guess. Fuck, we might be able to make this work. I like Gamzee too much to watch him turn into that... thing."

Chantal: Totally take advantage of the fact that Tavros is using you as a human shield to get some serous fangirling done.

"Oooooooh my Gosh you are so awesome. And adorable. And Awesome. 3"

This is extremely stupid.

Aradia: Be the Maid of Time.

Of course you are the Maid of Time. You always were the Maid of Time and you never stopped being the Maid of Time. This is a silly thought and you will not entertain the notion any longer.

You will, however, attempt to talk some sense into the situation.

"If I may; It is p0sible that this timeline became d00med simply fr0m y0ur presence here in the first place, if what y0u say is true. An0ther p0sibility is that this is, in fact, the Alpha Timeline and that y0u were meant t0 c0me here and explain these things s0 that we may prevent them fr0m ever happening. It will be hard t0 tell with0ut waiting f0r whatever happens next t0 happen."


	2. Chapter 2

Karkat: Be exasperated.

Wait, since when are you ever not exasperated? That's a very silly thing to point out unless you're pointing out the fact that you're more exasperated than usual at this particular moment. Though this is from Aradia's cryptic speech about things happening.

"Are you fucking serious? So, we basically have to wait to find out if we're going to die or not. Though apparently that doesn't matter since most of us apparently die anyway. For fuck's sake. This is really stupid. I haven't encountered this much stupidity and bullshit since I last talked to Gamzee!"

Jason: Do something stupid.

You are Jason Fox and you have decided to do something really, really stupid, and that's because you are incredibly irate. You lean over and give Karkles a nice big smooch on the lips, followed by your own exasperated growl.

"Can you please shut up? Either way, most of us are dead! You're not making it any fucking better!"

Tavros: Don't notice.

You're too busy hiding behind Chantal to notice weird things like that happening, and her compliments are making you blush and stutter and unable to properly speak.

Gamzee: Abscond

You decide that this is all a little TOO weird and distressing for you to handle. So you sneak off whilst all attention is all on other people.

You need a pie.

Chantal: Cuddle.

You wrap your arms around your second favorite troll and rest your head on his shoulder. You rather enjoy hugs and believe they are far superior to kissing in every way, shape or form.

You are now the happiest girl alive. Shoot anyone who says otherwise.

"Don't worry about Kanaya. She'll only do it so Equius can give you robot legs."

Aradia: Explain further.

"Simply sitting and waiting w0uld be ill-advisable. We sh0uld g0 ab0ut our business as n0rmal, and see if there is a way that we might impr0ve the situati0n."

Jason: Agree wholeheartedly.

"Agreed. I mean, we could tell you everything we know in greater detail if it would help. I mean, as it stands, it starts when Jack destroys Prospit and Derse and Karkat sees horrible things so he bans everyone from sleeping. After that, Vriska kills Tavros, and then Gamzee runs out of Sopor Slime, so his mental state becomes unstable due to withdrawal, which causes him to take his beliefs a little too seriously... which prompts him to do a few things that I'm not particularly proud of, considering I think he's one of the coolest people ever."

A thoughtful pause.

"Which reminds me; you guys should treat him a little better..."

Karkat: Snap out of it.

You snap out of your kiss-induced stupor and proceed to smack the human male across the face because that was weird and ridiculous and it should not have happened. You are not impressed by the way he just starts laughing at you and you huff childishly and growl as though that makes you frightening. Which it honestly doesn't.

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS - ...ACTUALLY FUCK IT. I DON'T WANT TO KNOW, AND I'M SUDDENLY OKAY WITH DYING NOW!"

Jason: Roll your eyes.

"Geez, Kk, you're such a drama queen."

Chantal: Happy sigh.

Well this is nice.

In fact, you say so.

"Well this is nice."

Aradia: Look around.

"Speaking of Gamzee... where is he?"

Jason: Panic.

You proceed to panic internally, grabbing Karkat's wrist and dragging him off to look for the missing troll.

"This is what happened last time! It is not happening again! Not, not, not!"

Karkat: Make a face.

You squirm. You do not like being touched.

"STOP FUCKING TOUCHING ME!"

Jason: Growl.

"I NEED YOU, DUMBASS!"

Sollux: Comment.

"Well, thith ith fucked up..."

Vriska: Abscond

You huff, flick your hair over your shoulder and flounce out. You don't need to stand around whilst people glare at you for something you haven't even done yet. And probably won't do now, because that would be stupid now that everyone knows you're supposed to do it.

Gamzee: Search for pies.

You know you stashed a whole pile of pies in one of these chests somewhere (Why has everyone been doing that, again?) but you can't quite remember where.

You have found... a pair of robotic legs.

Hu, looks like Chantal was serious about getting Tav new legs. That's good! But what the hell are they doing all the way out here?

Jason: Search for Gamzee.

You proceed to look for one of the most awesome people in the history of ever while dragging his best friend with you every step of the way. Every so often you will pass a chest, which will cause you to snort with amusement. You are also completely ignoring Karkat. At least until one of his claws digs into your hand, which makes you swear and lick the blood off of your hand whilst obviously unimpressed.

"That hurt, asshole!" You sigh, before calling out loud: "GAMZEE!"

Karkat: Dislike this human very much.

You are trying to dislike this human, but it's not working very well. He is incredibly irritating and extremely stupid, not to mention he's a bit of a dick, and he's got blood the exact same color as yours. You are very, very unimpressed.

"..."

Gamzee: Be called for.

You're not too far away, and were just in the process of opening up another chest...

Score! Within the chest are a whole pile of pies, most of them still warm from when you baked them only a few hours ago, using the last of your sopor slime to do so. If you were a little more intelligent, or a little less high, it might occur to you to grab the captchaloug code and use it to Alchemize as many pies as you want. But it doesn't occur to you, so you simply eat one of the pies and captchaloug the rest for later.

Chantal: Attempt conversation.

"You feeling any better?"

Jason: Be tugged by Karkat.

You are surprised by the switch in position.

Karkat: Be irate.

You are very irate. You have found the human to be incredibly annoying and he seems to do nothing but get lost in the giant expanse of the base, and unlike him, you actually know where Gamzee would be. You drag the worried and exasperated human around the corner where Gamzee is, and you are very confused when he squirms out of your grip and gives Gamzee a big hug and asks him how he is.

"..."

You don't even.

Tavros: Be awkward.

You don't really know what to say. You are apparently very interesting, which isn't true, because this girl is clinging to you and talking to you.

"I, um... I-I guess so..?"

You should really stop blushing like that.

Gamzee: Be hugged.

What is this?

You look down at the human who now has his arms wrapped around your waist (Goodness, you are VERY tall...) and give him an awkward pat on the back.

"AwW mAn, I dIdN't MeAn To MaKe A bRoThEr GeT hIs WoRrY oN..."

You glance up at Karkat, a confused expression plastered all over your face.

Chantal: Be the fangirl.

Of course you are the fangirl. Was this not obvious from your actions so far? Stupid... Stupid... Stupid...

However, you are nothing if not ever inclined to help Tavros with his painfully low self confidence.

"That's good!" You remove your head from his shoulder in order to look at him properly. "Because you ARE my FAVORITE TROLL," you stretch the truth a bit. Gamzee is your real favorite but Tavros needs this more than Gamzee does. "And I would hate to think you were feeling bad on my ac- are you blushing?"

Karkat: Give a shorthand explanation.

"Okay, so, apparently when you run out of sopor you flip your shit and try to kill everybody, and it happens when you ditch, so he dragged me around to try and find your sorry ass."

Jason: Blush.

You do this and immediately remove yourself from Gamzee as though burned. You shake your head and hold your hands up defensively. "I swear, I have total confidence in you, Gamz... I just... uh... Oh, Gog, I'm being so weird and creepy, aren't I?"

Tavros: Confidence boost.

Chantal's words have a positive effect on your self confidence, and you look at her with adoration. "Uh, really? I'm your favorite..? I mean, wow, um, I didn't actually think I could be /anyone's/ favorite... This is, um, really nice, I guess..."

You look towards your lap and fiddle with the hem of your shirt. "And, uh... Y-yeah, I'm blushing... I'm sorry."

Gamzee: Say something shocking.

"WeLl YeA, i KnEw ThAt." Of course you knew that. It's the motherfucking prophecy of the Mirthful Messiahs. And you're pretty certain you've tried to explain this a few times.

"WhAt HaVe I tOlD yOu AbOuT tHe MeSiAhS, bRoThEr?"

Chantal: Be the fangirl.

For the last time, YOU ARE ALREADY THE FANGIRL. Jegus...

"That's so cute..." You nuzzle his cheek slightly. The brown flush over his normally impenetrable grey skin being perhaps the most adorable thing you have ever seen ever.

Karkat: Flip your shit.

You do just that because this is really fucking ridiculous. Reaching up, you grab Gamzee's collar and pull him down so your faces are mere inches apart and you start screaming at him. "YOU KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO FUCKING HAPPEN? DOES THAT MEAN YOU WANT TO KILL US ALL, YOU ASSHOLE? I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU! THIS IS SO STUPID! FUCK!"

Jason: Pet Karkat.

Karkat: Be petted.

You will not admit that your eyes are sliding closed, and nor are you starting to purr. You decide you really do dislike this human.

Tavros: Squeak.

You squeak adorably out of surprise and hesitantly nuzzle back. "Th-Thank you..."

Gamzee: Be hurt.

"I tRiEd TeLlInG yOu, BrOtHeR, yOu WoUlDn'T lIsTeN." You shrink back slightly, and although you are the tallest currently present, you have never felt so small. "I'vE bEeN tRyInG tO pReVeNt It..."

...But you're running out of pies.

Chantal: Give in to self indulgent urges.

"You're welcome!"

This quickly degrades into a sloppy makeout session.

Karkat: Whine.

The petting is pretty much reducing your think pan into a pile of useless mush, so you can't do much other than look at your so-called best friend and whine. "For fuck's sake, you idiot..!"

Jason: Butt in.

"...Um... Gamzee, sir..?" You wait until he's paying attention to you before continuing. "Why don't you just clone your pies?"

Karkat: Do not even.

You wonder vaguely why you haven't thought of that. In fact, you could clone the sopor itself and actually have enough to sleep in, which might help you all out a little bit.

Tavros: Flail internally.

You were not expecting to sloppily make out with someone just now. But it's nice, so you don't really question it.

Gamzee: Why didn't you think of that?

Why DIDN'T you think of that? It was the obvious thing to do!

"UhHhHhHhHh... I pRoBaBlY sHoUlD dO tHaT..." You grin at the human who seems to have just solved all your problems. "mOtHeRfUcKeR... i LiKe YoU!"

Chantal: Be interrupted.

"PSSSSSST. WH4T COLOUR 1S YOUR BLOOD?"

God damnit...

Karkat: Blink.

You squirm away from the touch and think about this for not even a nanosecond. You are well aware that this is an entirely un-retarded idea, especially considering it will save some lives. Turning to the human, you tell him just that. "You are an idiot and I don't like you, but that's a surprisingly good idea. Coming from a fuckass like you, anyway."

Jason: Take that as a compliment.

You know Karkat's character well enough to do just that. You grin at them both, before turning to face Gamzee specifically. "I like you, too! Always have, bro!"

You scratch absentmindedly at the wound on your hand and frown when it starts trickling blood again. Looking down at it, you twitch. "...Why is my blood not red?" A blink. "Why is my blood not red?" Oh my gog. "MY BLOOD'S NOT RED! WHAT THE FUCK!"

Tavros: Twitch.

You fancy the fact that you are a very nice troll, but Terezi has the bad habit of butting in precisely when she shouldn't. Like right now for instance. "I, um, don't think that's a question that you should, uh, be asking..."

Sometimes you wish you didn't sound so fail.

Gamzee: Be non-pulsed.

"Uh... Is It SuPpOsEd To Be ReD?"

Chantal: Roll your eyes.

"No, it's alright, Tav. I got this." You turn to Terezi and give her a deadpan look, even though she can't see it. "Terezi, all humans have the same blood colour. Cherry Red."

"OOOOOOOH R34LLY?" She gets up in your face. "C4N 1 SM3LL? PL33333334S3?"

God... Damnit...

"I have an extremely low tolerance for pain; I would much rather if you didn't-"

Terezi: Ignore this.

You ignore this and grab a hold of the humans arm, taking note of how thin and soft her skin is, before running a claw along the back of her wrist. The smell of blackcurrant hits your nostrils and you pout, even as she yelps and smacks you away.

That's not red.

Chantal: Flip the fuck out.

"OW! WHAT DID I JUST... say...?"

You gawp down at the purple leaking out of the back of your wrist, then flip the fuck out.

Jason: Flail.

"YES, GAMZEE! HUMAN BLOOD IS SUPPOSED TO BE RED!" You place the hand you are currently not staring at over your heart and take several deep breaths to try to calm yourself. You take the time to contemplate what is happening and come to a conclusion. "Well... At least orange is my favorite color."

Your psychologists always did say you had the most normal reactions to abnormal situations.

Karkat: Be secretly disappointed.

You feel lonely now. Even the human is higher up on the hemospectrum suddenly. Hoofbeast shit, you swear it.

Tavros: Wince.

"Red? Really?"

However, the lack of red seems to startle her a great deal, even though it's an extremely lovely shade of purple to you.

"But, um, it's purple..."

Chantal: Continue to flip.

"IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE PURPLE! IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE RED! IT'S ALWAYS BEEN RED BEFORE! HOLYSHITHOLYSHITHOLYSHIT..."

Okay, you need to calm down. Breath. Take stock of the situation.

You pull your mobile phone out of your pocket and briefly check if you have a signal. To your joy, you have an extremely strong signal. You quickly dial in a number and hold the phone up to your ear.

"Jason... pick up your ass we have a problem..."

Gamzee: Freak out at the ringy noise.

You jump in surprise and dart behind Karkat as something in Jason's pocket starts buzzing and ringing. "WhAt ThE mOtHeRfUcK!"

A little known fact is that Trolls do not have mobile phones. In the same way that they do not have a postage system.

Jason: Pick up your phone.

You press the button and hold it up to your ear, answering in an oddly cheery tone of voice. "Jason Fox, orange-blooded human in an alternate universe at your service!" You know who's phoning you, and considering the timing, you have a feeling as to why as well. You narrow your brows and bite your lip, counting down the precious seconds until you'll get an earful of panic-slurred, heavily-accented English that you seem to be the only one who can understand.

Karkat: Elbow Gamzee.

"Stop touching me, God damn it!"

Chantal: Mourn over your clusterfuck accent.

For some reason you feel the urge to mourn the loss of anything resembling a normal accent that resulted from your upbringing. Growing up in Cheltenham with parents from Essex, watching American cartoons and later working with Indians had caused your accent to skew to the point where most people think you sound like you come from somewhere else.

But that's not important right now.

"MY BLOOD IS PURPLE WHY IS MY BLOOD PURPLE!"

Gamzee: Continue touching Karkat.

You do not let go, peaking over Karkat's shoulder at the human nervously. "WhAt Is ThAt, BrOtHeR?"

Jason: Be chill.

You are pretty much the opposite. No one you know has an accent, yet you somehow say many words very strangely which bothers way too many people to count, and you could not care any less. You don't like people anyway.

"That's like asking why my blood is fucking orange. When Kk hurt me initially, he watched me bleed red. And then I accidentally open it again and all of a sudden orange everywhere. I'm glad I'm wearing a black t-shirt. I don't fancy wearing white and being covered in orange stains."

Blech.

Karkat: Shrug.

You have no idea what it is, but you couldn't care less. "Some sort of fucking communication device? Why the hell should I give a shit about what these weird aliens do?"

Chantal: Calm down. Jegus.

You calm down. "Is orange even on the hemospectrum? On that note I don't really recognize this shade... It's defiantly brighter then Gamzee's, though. If I start sprouting gills, I'll let you know."

And suddenly it hits you.

"If we're turning into trolls that would be the most convoluted, cliché thing ever. EVER."

Gamzee: Hop from foot to foot.

"MaYbE wE sHoUlD hEaD bAcK..."

Jason: Grin.

You find this to be oddly amusing. "Gills, eh? You'd be able to save me since I can't swim worth shit." There's a pause where you make this strangely thoughtful sound before speaking again. "Trolls? Man, if we were turning into trolls it really would be the most cliché thing ever ever. Not that I'd really care. I fancy having a pair of horns. I think they're awesome."

Karkat: Agree, for once.

"God, let's. I don't feel like listening to this idiot have some weird fetish for our species."

Chantal: Test this theory.

"Yes... Horns would probably be the next thing to start coming through. If, of course, that is what is happening." You experimentally run a hand through your hair, and freeze when you feel two slight bulges coming through either side of your head.

"...Gog... Damnit..."

Gamzee: Start back to the lab.

You start back toward the lab, leading the human with you and trusting Karkat to follow. Or, more likely, jump ahead of you and insisting on leading the way.

Jason: Be excited.

You make sure to grab a hold of Gamzee's hand to make sure you don't run into anything. You're bouncing a little bit, and grinning like an absolute tard, to be honest, but you can't help it. Tilting your head to keep the phone in place, you reach up and run your fingers along the crown of your head and make a rather odd squealing sound.

"Oh my Gog, I have horns! 3!"


End file.
